My former significant other Brad who died last summer loved technology and music.  He loaded up a spare hard-drive for my Mac laptop with various music - and taught me a little about how ITunes works.


Today I uploaded the most recent software update from ITunes and clicked on it to see that it had installed properly.


Up popped a screen of various songs including one that Brad especially shared with me:  the Everly Brothers' Devoted to You  - the lyrics and irony just wrenched my heart.  In the last 24 hours or so, I've had a sense of releasing a lot of grief about various issues - this feels like part of the process.

I've read on several other blogs recently that various folks are letting go of living spaces, etc - the sense that what I'm feeling is part of the larger tapestry is both somewhat comforting and unsettling.

This is a tough and especially meaningful question for me right now - because I have a sense practically, spiritually and emotionally I'm getting close to selling and moving away from this house where I grew up.


What will I miss?  The familiarity.  The rhythms of the creaking boards and the wind whistling through the forest on this property.  The deer who look through the windows at this human who inhabits their zoo.  The connection with generations of my family - mostly dead now.  The solitude and quiet.  The echoes of the joy that Brad and I shared here.

I have a strong sense I will be relieved to be away from the weight of the memories, the sense of overwhelming responsibility, the isolation, the distance from most of the communities with whom I'm connected.  These latter aspects are all motivations to sell and move - as well as financial reasons.

I'm scared to sell and move.  This house, with all its challenges and heaviness, is still an anchor in my life - in the reassuring as well as difficult and painful sense.  The roots here are strong and deep - though life does not always flow through them for me.  I'm not sure who I'll become away from this place with its log cabin/cave in the woods qualities.



love and blessings -


Sylvia

Politics, particularly in the 2002 and 2004 elections.  I wouldn't say that I was sheltered so much as blindly optimistic.  I bought into the fantasy that if left leaning activists gave enough and worked hard enough, we could reclaim the country.

You notice I said "fantasy".  I probably worked harder and gave significantly less in 2006.  In 2008 I didn't give much money, but I gave a heck of a lot of food and time and effort.

In 2006 Ohio, I think the most significant new official was Secretary of State Jennifer Bruner - who has been cleaning up the election process successfully enough that I heard recently there's an effort to get her recalled.  I consider that a good sign [shark smile].  She was elected in I think large part due to what my former SO Brad called "practical politics".  Folks who were seeking fair elections and generally functional government knew that if we didn't have someone competent and constitutionally faithful overseeing the election process in this state, we'd be in even more trouble than we already were.


And then came the 2008 election cycle.  Things weren't perfect as far as election fairness in this state - but they were a *heck* of a lot better.  And an incredible number of folks jumped into the whirlwind of the Obama-Biden movement for change.  Now we're experiencing the fall-out.  Various fairly entrenched members of the local democratic party aren't really integrated into the network that developed in and through the Obama campaign.  And those of us that were most active are trying to keep the momentum going, drawing in both the faithful democrats and the hundreds of folks that were involved one way or another locally in the presidential race.

I've heard various qvetching about election euphoria, about how the "Obama party" is different from the Democratic party, and how Obama isn't really as much of a proponent of change as he presented himself to be.

My perspective is - the political structure in this country is in need of fundamental change.  What happened in this election wasn't the change yet - it was laying groundwork for the *possibility* of change.  Entrenched Democrats all over the place probably *will* be disgruntled - because the needed changes can't happen without some upheavals in the established structures.  Some of us deeply respect the hard work folks have done to get us to this point - but the Democratic party framework doesn't necessarily work for us.  Hopefully, most of those previous involved in politics through the two party system will emerge from that mindset enough to explore other possibilities beyond the local party central committees.  Even that term brings a cold chill to me.  In reality - there will probably be a lot of bumps and pain on this new road we're building.  But at least now - we have that opportunity.


peace and blessings -


Sylvia

Cold winter Is Coming

It's already here, at least in central Ohio.


We usually get a preview of chilly weather and/or snow before Christmas, and then get some serious winter weather the week between Christmas and the new year.


This year, the weather went down below freezing before Thanksgiving and we haven't had much of a let up since.

I actually tend to enjoy cooler and even chilly weather - with internal dragon fire and a polar bear metabolism - being cold is a fairly rare and often pleasurable experience.


This year though, the chill feels like it's on the inside.


Two years ago, Brad and I were excitedly planning our first face to face meeting.

One year ago, though our relationship was strained and perhaps fraying, he went ahead and got tickets to be with me at Christmas - and once I dealt with his impulsiveness, I looked forward to being together over both Christmas and the New Year.  He flew back on January 2nd of 2008 - that was the last time I hugged him and saw him in person.

With the early winter weather keeping me more indoors, and election intensity no longer consuming me so fiercely - I feel more alone.  I miss our chats and long talks on the phone.  I miss knowing that there was someone physically on the planet who was so squarely in my corner, with whom I shared a soul connection, and with whom I had daily contact.  i love my friends - and at the same time, I can go days without direct contact - and that can hard.


And the current world economic situation only more starkly highlights the coldness of this season.  Even more people around the world are dying - from hunger, from lack of adequate shelter, from lack of health care, from various forms of violence - especially children and other folks who are most vulnerable.

In the Gaia Networking pod, there's a fascinating discussion about the country of Bhutan and their focus on Gross National Happiness.  I've been catching flashes of that discussion in the thread about December's featured member - Sherrilene.  A couple of people participating in that thread have posted their Top 5 Daily Happiness Indicators which has led me to reflect on my own top five list.

I imagine that reflecting will be on ongoing process.  At this point - I would like to offer up a working draft.




Sylvia's 5 Daily Happiness indicators - first draft

1  A healthy planet that we nurture and cherish

2  Loving connections and communication with trustworthy people and supportive healthy community

3  Which is tied to:  reliable transportation, safe housing, nourishing food, wellness care for everyone

4 A chance to meaningfully and creatively contribute in the world

5 A sense that the world community is moving toward greater gross world happiness - with everyone's needs getting met more fully


When I found the Cold Winter Is Coming song on YouTube for which the link is at the top of this blog, I was actually looking for another song that starts with that line - and talks about if one has enough to pay what one owes, one should spare a mite to share with the poor.  If anyone reading is familiar with that song - I'd love to know the title and original artist since it's currently haunting me [wry smile].  Either it's not posted on the web, or I haven't yet put in the right search terms to pull it up.


Right now - I'm teetering between a cave of depression and isolation, and having my yearning for closer community motivate me to take more steps to sell this house and move.  I sense a rich and wonderful new energy continuing to intensify in the world - and encouraging everyone in releasing old wounds and moving into further abundance.  Sometimes I can just flow gracefully with that new energy and float on the hope and anticipation.  At the same time, concern for my future and grief for Brad are real tugs.




peace and love - and the pursuit of happiness -



Sylvia

Since one of my strong traits is not fitting in boxes or following rules very well - I'm gonna mention two descriptions that I thought - wow, that sounds like me recently.


One was Martha's blog in response to the Q&R for December 5th and the other was an article about Ann Northrop that I read a couple days ago.  Her AIDS activist story is in someways parallel to mine - including getting arrested for a cause she believes in strong.


:-)


Sylvia

I've been reflecting on the tension and the resonance between presents and spiritual PRESENCE for more than a week now.



In all capitals - PRESENCE for me is the Holy, Source, the greatest Mystery, the Divine Feminine, Jesus' Abba (daddy), ultimate stillness ...









leaving several blank spaces for readers to fill in their own terms and metaphors.


Somehow, I find the words for this blog flowing out as I'm sitting upstairs in the unbelievably quiet second bedroom at my sisters' of the heart.  Here I am in touch with Spirit - with PRESENCE - with Mystery.  My sisters are on the road dropping off their daughters at a baby-sitters so they can have a very rare and precious romantic dinner together.  Part of the spiritual tingle here is echoes of the love they share millisecond by millisecond - with the ravaged teenaged foster daughters that usually pack the third bedroom - with their biological daughter and the toddler they're about to adopt after having fostered her since birth - with each other - with me, with just about everyone they meet.  Tomorrow the three of us plan to make the trek down to the long anticipated MA graduation of our fourth sister 2+ hrs away.  In the meantime - I have these moments in the quiet house with their cats and their dog - all of whom are used to a lot more people around to pet them - and who are alternatively craving attention and basking in the peace [smile].

There's the presence of those who are no longer in their physical bodies - my former SO Brad - and today, R - dearest friend of one of my brothers of the heart.  R died in his sleep last night after years of struggling with various serious health issues.  He was younger than me.  I saw him only occasionally - but heard about him often, since my bro talked about him quite a bit.  It's hard to know that I will not see R with his pragmatic love and biting humor again.  And yet I have *such* a sense that he and Brad both are now conspiring to help bro take care of himself better - and I have to grin at that image in spite of my sorrow.


And then - there are presents.  The ones that will be offered tomorrow to the new graduate.  The ones about which there is such media, commercial and social frenzy this time of year - such pressure and often it seems such insanity.  This blog began germinating in my brain the weekend after Thanksgiving when I made an almost unheard of trip to a local chain fabric store - and got caught up the madness of sales and "stuff".  [sigh]  How much "stuff" can be sold?  And at what point will we as a culture rebel against the brainwashing of ads and merchandising, etc?  At what point are presents about PRESENCE?

Certainly there are times with Spirit flows abundantly through giving and gifting.  There are many items that evoke wonderful connections, and are tangible expressions of love.  There are also millions upon millions of people in the world who live on less a day than it takes to buy an item in Target's $1 bargain bin.

YES, We Can!  Still echoes and resonates with so many of us.  So - can we?  Shift from conumptivitis?  Can we turn to PRESENCE more than presents for answers?  Can we be more present with each other and ourselves?  And gift the world with deeper connection this holiday season?

As I struggle with these questions - the back of my car is full of food and beverages for tomorrow's after graduation get together.  I don't have answers to what I've asked.  I know I have patterns that need shifting - I have a sense that most people in the US do.  I just yearn for ways for all of us to come together and BE more than buy.


blessings and love -



Sylvia


A humorous commentary from the multiverse on this blog - as I was searching for images - I found the picture of the sunset to represent the Divine Presence - but I had trouble copying it with my keypad.  When I plugged in my mouse to use the right button - the image attached itself to the cursor and followed my mouse around the screen - no matter which tab I had clicked.  It only went away after I unplugged the mouse, and used CTRL C over the image to place it in the blog [chuckling].  I also found proof of what I'm reflecting on that images of gifts like the one at the top are more than plentiful, while images of the Divine Presence are much harder to find and need just the right search terms.

Light of the world -  
Christmas lights, car lights, shopping madness  
Jesus - light of the world  
The light within  
The pink glow on the sky    

Where is the light of the world?  

Who is the light of the world?  

Where does it come from?    

Power plants, the sun, coal, wood, kerosene, beeswax candles  

How do our choices help us be and have light?  

How do our choices help the children be and have light?        

Where is Jesus as Light of the World in the madness of this season?  

A small struggling church hosting a chritmas party for the marginalized - beverages, cookies, sleigh bells, pictures with santa, crafts, warmth, music, beauty, food boxes, a temporary oasis  

How does that help in the tsunami of foreclosures and health care costs and job losses?    


Congress and the Administration bicker about details - and the giants might get help -   but those of us at the ant level continue to get scr*wed and the help sure as heck isn't "trickling down"    

Those of us that try to turn the tsunami around - are trying not to get caught in the wind and the waves      

How would Jesus feel about "Away in the Manger" blasting out over holiday buying frenzy - when some of the buyers have to choose between feeding themselves or the car that gets them to work, for an increasingly uncertain paycheck?    

When peoples' houses are grabbed through foreclosure where do they go? 

To friends and relatives who might only be a paycheck or two away from foreclosure themselves? 

When does the domino string end? 


Where is the light of the world?  In this solstice season ... where is the Light?




peace and blessings -



Sylvia

I hear and feel a baby crying and it scares me.  It cries not with the outraged squall of a pampered infant insisting on the immediate care that fills its hours.  It cries with the thin, piercing, restlessness stirring cry of a hungry baby on the edge of life.  It gives voice to the cries of millions of babies around the world who are starving and dying of preventable diseases like HIV/AIDS and malaria.  It cries with the haunting shrieks of a chilled baby whose parents have just had their house yanked away in foreclosure.  It cries the sleep disturbing wails of little ones whose parents are clinging to survival moving from refugee camp to resettlement area after being displaced by war and greed, terror and genocide.


Who will this baby have us become?


How will it be treated this time?



2000 years ago, the baby born in a manger to a homeless unwed mother grew up to be a teacher and a world changer and was eventually killed for crimes against the state.

The movement that refused to die after his death eventually swept through the known world and was co-opted by the Roman empire and the dominant powers a few centuries later.  The light of that movement still pops up and ferments change and quests for justice even after two millenia.

As I sit comfortably in my childhood home of tattered and decaying priviledge - these cries are of change that is here.  "Prepare ye the way of ...?"


It is not the Lord this time.  The incoming Divine Feminine doesn't martyr her only male child.  She rises up as flame and torrent in all of us, fermenting a tsunami.

If the biblical Spirit of the Lord was not tame - the Goddess is unfathomably wild and infinitely tender.

She calls up outrageous courage and joy, love and growth, community and Truth.  She seeks for us not so much to yield as to BE full(y).


Am I, can I, will I be strong and courageous enough to be or not to be swallowed?


If I am swallowed - will I BE more or at all?  If I am not swallowed - will I BE?


The baby cries, thin, piercing, reslessness stirring, haunting, sleep disturbing.

I *am* ... fearful - full of fertile ears.



so it is -


Sylvia

 

Connecting with friends and family of the heart - in person, by phone, by computer, etc.

Getting new personal e-mails and notes on my grapevine, messages and chats on Facebook, etc :-).

 

 

love and blessings -

 

 

Sylvia

In my mid-thirties - I had a brief, sweet and fun fling with someone I met online.  I then pretty much ducked the issue of romance for several years - though I hung out in similar places online.


The numbers of people coming to those places were falling drastically, and I was considering leaving myself, when one day this awful pun cracking, spiritually exploring big-hearted lawyer/real estate dealer from California paged me - and we connected quickly on a deep level.  He was stunned and captivated that I could keep up with and even outdistance him in several areas - including humor, politics (of which he was an almost incurable junky) and spiritual exploration.


It took less than 2 weeks after that first chat for us to start talking on the phone - a couple weeks after that to start exploring romantic involvement, and a couple weeks after that for him to come visit for the first time.  One of his most endearing and irritating characteristics was rampant ADD - if he thought about something - he often did it.  My style of reflecting and praying through decisions was both a good off-set to his impulsiveness - and the differences could drive each of us nuts [wry grin].  The year + that we were involved was rich, wonderful, full of caring and growth.  I've written more about that in various blogs tagged with Brad. 

Though our relationship had basically broken up - we retained a close connection until his death the end of June this year.  Dealing with my feelings continues to be rich, challenging, full of growth and care and I often sense his presence with me.  A big part of the Bah Humbug attack I had in the early hours of Christmas morning that led me to retreat to my house rather than spending the day with beloved friends was another especially deep and sharp layer of grief.  Last year he and I spent Christmas with those same friends - and a wonderful though short night together in the hotel where he'd stayed the weekend we met in person.

Sometimes being single is harder now - and yet, in the midst of the challenges and grief, as sharp as it can be - the joy and the care we shared will probably make me more likely to seek another relationship when the time is right.  His presence in my life was and is a gift.


peace and blessings -


Sylvia